Driver's permit

I’ve decided to get my Driver’s permit this month.

Wup- fuckin -pee.

Hours and hours of studying the “Washington Driver Guide” from the “Department of Hell”… I mean “Licensing”.

I’ve discovered the proper use for high beams, which, contrary to my previous belief, is NOT used to blind pedestrians and oncoming traffic. And the horn, apparently, isn’t used to scare people walking past your car in parking-lots.

All-in-all studying is going well. I’ve taken some practice tests online to prepare myself further.

I’ve discovered by typing everything out in a Word document, I can remember it easier.

I know only some of the things I’m reading in this booklet will be on the test, and they’ll focus more on “After moving to a new state, how long is the deadline for renewing your current license?” or “What can you do at a red light?” instead of questions that actually have to do with driving.

I think ONLY questions about driving should be permitted on the knowledge test.

For example:

“When is it legal to scream and yell in a traffic jam on the highway?
A.) Never
B.) On Wednesdays
C.) Only to alert proper authorities of your status as ‘Most important driver ever’ to give you leeway on
the shoulder.”

Of course, the correct answer would be C.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but pay attention to the “When you shouldn’t use your horn” section.
One of the many reasons to not use your horn is: “When approaching horses”

I guess you can’t use your horn in the presence of Horses, in the unlikely event you’re even near horses.
Then again, this is Washington after all, Washington being “The random Horse state”.

I also have a question for you readers, which I ask that you answer with a comment or message on Facebook or a direct-message on Twitter: Will my sleep apnea effect my driving during the morning/day?

I certainly hope not.

Chip (Skippy's Cousin).

Recently I’ve gotten into an “Intellectual” conversation with a moron.

Let’s call this moron: “Chip.”

Well, it was about Atheism. He is an Atheist.

Anyway, Chip’s beliefs are – And I quote—: “I do reject the claim that God exists. But I however do not make the claim that God does not exist.” (I am not making this up)

My response was as follows:

“A.) ‘I do reject the claim that God exists.’ Then you make the claim that God DOES NOT EXIST.
B.) ‘But I however do not make the claim that God does not exist.’ This is contradictory: Rejecting the claim that God exists is making the claim that God does not exist, hence: Rejecting. Rejection, by definition, is not believing something, and refusing to do so.”

He replied with (I am not making this up)

“1) I said, ‘I don't believe a god exists’. It is not the same as ‘I believe no god exists.’ The difference is that in the first statement I am simply rejecting claims for the existence of god.”

To which I said:

“1.) You're misinformed about your own beliefs, because Atheism is believing in NO GOD thus GOD DOES NOT EXIST. No wonder you talk yourself in circles, you have no idea what Atheism is other than what the name MEANS. I have never met you, thus I have no pure evidence that you exist. Others have TOLD me you exist, and I have no doubt that you do, because I trust the testimony of those who know you. Basically the same way I know Christ exists.
Just because you answer these messages, doesn't mean that it's YOU answering, it could be anybody. But because of the testimony of others who know you, I am sure you exist. I will take it by FAITH.”

And of course, he felt the need to reply:

“1) I am misinformed about my own beliefs? Wow... how is that even possible? Maybe you meant that ‘I am misinformed about what I classify myself as'. Let’s break down the meaning of the word.
Theos-God(s)
Theism-Belief in a God(s)
Theist- One who has the belief
A-without
Atheos-without God(s)
Atheism- without a belief in a God(s)
Atheist-One without the belief in a God(s)”

(Thus proving that all he knows is what the name means...)

But truly, can any man be an Atheist unless he possesses all knowledge: "Omnipotent" (Do I need to define “Omnipotent” for you, Chip?)

Basically means: He (And all Atheists) are apparently God. Since they DON'T know everything, they have to ADMIT the possibility of an all knowing God. Thus they are not "Atheist" "One without God" but "Agnostic" "One who is holy confused"

I did not send this, but...

A second consecutive message…

And a third consecutive message…

All of which I’m not even dignifying with a response at this time.

Never the less, Chip, is a moron.

But it makes you think… DOES Chip REALLY exist?

Unfortunately: Yes. I have a confirmation from my best friend (Let’s call him “Skippy”)Chip is Skippy’s own Cousin.

This is what my Dad said: “To answer the question at the end of your Column, Josh: The stupidity is there, therefore he MUST exist.”

Oh God help us. (Or as Chip would probably say:”NO God help us.”)

“A wise man would know better than to reject, outright, what he doesn’t know for sure. That is the difference between ‘Knowledge’ and ‘Wisdom’.” – Unknown.

Off-Brand, Google Android OS, Kindle-like Tablet PC review.

So here I am, sitting on my huge front porch, slowly thumbing out this new column with my mother's off-brand tablet PC.

Of course, my mother -- hogging a nice HP Pavillion-- tilts the tablet "Card board edition" and magically changes the screen to operate vertically, thus advancing my pace, twofold.

Hang on, time to unexpectedly brush my teeth...

... Okay. Now instead of my mouth tasting like Pizza and Ranch Dorito-flavored scunge, it tastes like Pizza and Ranch Dorito-flavored scunge(With mint!)

If I were a smoker, it would taste like a compilation of mint, dorito scunge and the Colonel's own original recipe --'leven heeerrbs 'n' spices-- chicken-flavored ash.

Yum, delicious cherry Capri Sun, that I'm terrified to open, because it's been in an ice less cooler, with water at the bottom, condensing for Darth Vader only knows how long.

And now I can continue --attempt-- to write, after finally figuring out how to scroll on this wretchedly confusing contraption.

Bad sign: Skimmed thumb opening the straw wrapper. Tastes("Tates" according to Word to Go's keyboard for the tech-trendy sloth.) fine, albeit warm.

My review: Spring for the actual Kindle; it's faster, less confusing, and "only" a "few" hundred more dollars.

Words

One thing I’ve noticed lately is I generally over-use the word “Generally”.

But there’s no cause for general concern; I’m generally just trying to make a general point.

Aside from… that word and it’s variations… Here’s a list of words I tend to over use:

The.
But.
No.
Yes.
I’m.
F**k.
I’ve.
One.
To.
Too.
I.
Love.
You.
Cheeseburgers.
Yes.
I’d.
Like.
New.
Carburetors.
For.
My.
Breasts.

Poor Fred...

This pisses me off.

My best friend –let’s call him “Fred”— got strung along, until the bitch was found out.

Apparently for a while she kept saying that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Well anyway:
Apparently he saw her at Hoopfest with a bunch of people, and this guy standing next to her had his hand on her back, and kept sliding it down, down and down until he said he had to leave.

Then on the fourth, at Riverfront, him and another friend of ours were going to watch fireworks (Let’s call him, Coffee) Well, Coffee and Fred got separated and Coffee saw Fred’s girl MAKING OUT with the asshand guy!

WHAT THE HELL!?

So he’s freaking out. Eventually ends up ditched by the people he was with (Coffee and the mysterious friend with commodities of the relaxing kind) before the fireworks start. And he spots one of the guys from Bitchgirl’s group.

So, naturally, Fred goes to talk to him. Eventually they end up on the subject of Bitchgirl, and Fred drops the news about her make-out session with Asshand guy. He freaked out and apparently said: “She told me she was gonna make out with ME for my birthday!”

So now we must call Bitchgirl, “Brazenhobag”.

So apparently Fred and Brazenhobag are gonna be friends, except Fred doesn’t WANT to be her friend anymore.

Well, Brazenhobag is old news now, anyway; Fred has a date for “Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday”! With a really cute gymnast I’m suddenly going to call “Wonder Woman”

So I hope Brazenhobag is happy with her probable thirteen boyfriends.

Pal.

Unexpected developments: I made a friend! OHMYGOD! *Parade, streamers, confetti, floats, beer, drunks, fights, police*

So after I posted bail for throwing an illegal parade— you know, the type of illegal parade that’s illegal because you said: “Screw the permits! This is advancement in EVOLUTION!”—I typed out this column about my new friend.

None of that, except making the friend, really happened. I did type out this post, because I’m not a robot, or a zombie or rich enough to pay people to type this post out FOR me.

Let’s call her “Pal”

Pal enjoys the following:
Horses.
Pasta.
Art.
Vintage motorcycles.
Driving stick.
Just driving.
Pasta.
Not being intoxicated in any way, shape or form.
Saying “Intoxicated” in Pig-Latin.
Using the terms “Fool” and “Supafreek”
Cutting rubber bands out of dreadlocks.
Not having a pot-bellied—or any kind of—pig.
Pasta. Did I say “Pasta” already?

There’s a lot more, but I don’t want to over-run this post.
Pal (Who is actually named “Bonnie”) is very interesting. VERY very interesting. Which is the best type of interesting.

I’m happy that I made an interesting friend… on Facebook…

Horoscope for Libby Logan(Sign unknown)

Today you feel like being a complete utter bitch to someone you don’t even know.
Though you lack the capacity to use proper grammar or even spell correctly, you go about your endeavor as inevitably as a sparkplug driving a piston.
You set out to complete the task given to you by whatever personality your schizophrenia has enthroned as your own personal God and succeed in making the not-so-random person of your choice feel absolutely terrible.
Watch your back dear (Zodiac sign), for one day you may find a knife in it, as you have put knives in the backs of others. One day, you will get your just deserts.

Buddy. (First post in a while)*Column-style*

Today, I’d like to write about a friend of mine, who I’ve taken for granted recently.
Someone who, for a good amount of months, I wasn’t talking to.

Let’s call this person, Buddy.
Now, Buddy, is in fact (Bear with me on this) a girl. Now that we have an understanding:

Buddy is like any teenage girl, except she masters a small army of birds, co-headed by two maniacal poodles named Suzie and Coco. Of course, these are their code-names.
Their real names are Dr. General “Suzie” Bloodletter P.H.D. (in old) and Lieutenant-General “Coco” Evil-Loud-Bark.

Sweet dogs.

As I sit here —overheating in the summer air, inside, where it’s SUPPOSED to be air-conditioned— I can’t think of anything else to write about the poodles. So I’ll just get into it about Buddy.

Buddy is a musician. Yes, musician. She writes and performs her OWN songs, which are generally really good. She plays actual shows and records with other local artists who are “actual musicians” themselves.

Well anyway, Buddy and I got into a spat about something stupid, and, of course, I’ll admit, I was sort of the… wrong… one…

After months of me being wrong, I finally decided to apologize and grovel for forgiveness—as my nature urges me.

I sent her a Facebook message (Meaning I beg, apologize some more and beg again.) and she, eventually, sends back “Sure. I’ve got no problems with you.”

*Queue confused look and question-mark breeding ground above my noggin*

So I added her back on Facebook. A half-hour goes by and I –trying not to be awkward— finally work up the courage to try to talk to her.

The conversation goes as follows:

“Me: So what have you been up to?

Buddy: Recording. And I actually have to go clean the bathtub right now. So I’ll talk to you later!

Me: Haha alright then! See ya!”

All-in-all I think it was a success.

I strongly urge you to go to www.myspace.com/wonderwonderful and listen to the songs posted.
Or bees will infest your ears and have wild, late-night bee parties that you're not invited to.

Matthew Thiessen and the Twitlebrizombies.

Relient K is a best-selling Christian/Rock/Punk Pop/Alternative ensemble from Canton, OH.
But are they any more than that?
Recently I've been reflecting on the times I say something witty and seemingly response-worthy to "Celebrities" on Twitter,
and I can tell you that although their tweets seem human in nature and like there are people behind the expensive phone, *typing out the wit-filled, informative and supposedly sympathetic, social-status earning, one-hundred-forty-character(Or less) sentences* the recognition and the fancy clothing, there aren't ordinary or extraordinary people waiting to hear from you.

Celebrities on Twitter only talk to other celebrities on Twitter, so don't waste your time tweeting to them, they won't reply to it, or even see it.
Though Relient K's members don't seem to be the "Twitlebrizombie" type, (due to their repertoire of Christian tunes giving them a social stigma in today's "Class of citizen" that one mostly sees on TV as "Ordinary people who don't seem to believe in God") I have wasted my good time following and trying to connect with one who certainly acts like a "Twitlebrizombie":

Matthew Arnold Thiessen (Relient K, Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes), *born in St. Catherines, Ontario, Canada* has left my tweets unobliged, disregarded and continues to talk only to other "Twitlebrizombies" who ignore other doting fans.

Though I'm slightly skewered on a spit of sadness, I still regard Mr. Thiessen as one of the greatest of generational musicians.
I don't expect him to socialize outside of his social rank, having had associations with people such as Adam Young(Owl City), Family Force 5, and a combination of Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry and Glenn Ballard. Nor would he if he were in my position, I expect.

But one can't help but wonder "What would it be like?"
I can't help but imagine myself tweeting jokes back and forth with Mr. Thiessen, carrying conversation and creating sort of a friendship with him.

I can't deny that, as I was writing this, I thought up an image of Mr. Thiessen sitting at a computer, reading this aloud to his Relient K colleagues and having them all laugh humorously at me and at how pathetic I must seem.
And I can't deny that I would prefer that over being completely ignored by a once "Most-played" on my iTunes list.
But I guess being ignored is just the bane of our social status as normal citizens.






Always writing something,


Joshua Gerlach.

A lament of My Boleyn. A poem and lecture by myself.

I fear resentment is taking over my soul.
Not resentment of you, but of the rejection on your tongue, outweighed and made untrue by the lie in your eyes, and the hurt in your mind.
You know of what I speak.
A defense mechanism you've created, to deflect suitors you might see as usurpers and to catch those you see as the fish for your basket, or the horse for your bridle. No matter if they don't fit in the basket or no matter how loose or tight wears the bridle, for you are the usurper after all has come to pass.
Of much older men. Or most disturbed young boys. Those you trust, those you want. Yet raze to the mud and water. Drive mad, and away. Like you do the ones who trust and want you. In decidedly different manners.
You elude the ones who may be interested in you, and pursue the ones who may not be, in order to pick for yourself the apple which gleams a most deemable quality of red in your eye.
Though you can't decide which pretty apple you want, for you have taken many from the full bushel of perfectly fine and tasty apples.
You are a selfish, greedy she-ling. You are an untrustworthy greed-driven she-ling. You deserve no love. Yet you find it of the people you ignore. Waster. Litterbug. Liar. You over-theatric dramawife. Heartbreaker. Barracuda. My Lady. My Guinevere. My Boleyn.

These are the reasons I'm depressed and angry at the world.

These are the reasons I'm depressed and angry at the world... you should listen to Metal while you read this...

Because nobody cares about anybody.

Everybody is shallow, including me.

There's not one honest person in the world.

Lightsabers don't really exist. Neither do laser guns

Air is God’s way of addicting us to life.

Nobody loves hideous monsters, no matter how heartwarming they may be.

Mary Shelly was a stupid bitch. So was Hans Christian Anderson.

The word “Fuck” is an acronym for “Fornication Under Consent of the King” and people use it
as a word of damnation as well as a word of emotionless sex, making it a so-called “Bad word”. As well as the word “Shit” is a derivative of the Gaelic-Celtic words “Shyte” and “Shat” which are the actual words for “Defecation” and “Defecated” and people say it’s a so-called “Bad word”.

When people tell you to be politically correct and say “Testicles” instead of “Nuts” or “Balls”. I find the word “Testicles” to be more vulgar than “Nuts” or “Balls”.

When people frown on “Curse words” when they’re just words.

When Liberal Hollywood portrays meaningless sex as more of a part of life than making love, and Marriage as a trap, rather than a holy union of two souls.

When Republican senate votes that homosexuals have the right to be married, JUST because it appeases and shuts up the liberals, and when marriage is a Christian union of two DIFFERENT sexes. I’d expect it from liberals, but not Republicans.

When people freak out when you say “That’s so gay.” About something that’s stupid, saying that it hurts their feelings. Well, homosexuals, your being gay hurts MY feelings, so fuck you, you’re gay.(And fuck you, Hilary Duff, I say what I want, you’re gay, too.)

How Family Guy has gotten more liberal and more stupid since Season 3.

How Liberal Hollywood portrays Conservatives and Republicans as; A.) The same thing; B.) Belligerently stupid and racist; and C.) The “Bad guys”. When those are all traits of blatant liberalism.

When you give up on an argument because the person you were arguing with is an unreasonable idiot, and they boast that they “Shut you up”.

How people think they’re really depressed when something miniscule happens in their life. Such as being dumped by somebody.

How 13+ year olds who are “Dating” say they’re “In-love” with each other when they’ve been dating for 15+ days.

When people use the word “Guestimate” which isn’t even a word.

When people decide they don’t like something just because they heard someone else’s opinion/lie/misinformation about it. I.E. “I don’t like Ketchup, because Mary-Beth said that it has low doses of Potassium-Cyanide in it.”

When people expect their DVR or TiVo to skip through live TV when they aren’t behind on time or in a recording or On Demand selection.

When some Christians believe that fast-paced music and sharp leads are “The DEVIL!”

When Elementary school teachers tell their students to tell their Parents who to vote for, and bitch about how Christians apparently try to shove the republican vote down people’s throats.

When people think you’re either a freak or you have some sort of major disease when you say you’ve never been kissed romantically, and you’re almost 18 years old.

How everybody hates America, when we bail other countries out of their own fuckups (France, England, Holland, Switzerland, Finland, Haiti, Africa, Mexico, etc.)

When “African”-Americans bitch about how their ancestors (Who were very distantly related to them) were enslaved by the “White man” for 300 years, when they were also freed by a white man, and a senate, congress, and jury of white men. And how Irish and Scotsmen and women worked in indentured slavery for close to 700 years, about 100 years before the Africans were even discovered. Try being enslaved by Englishmen who had a right to kill you for no reason. At least you HAD some rights. You probably haven’t even heard us bitch about it until just now.

How black people call themselves “African-Americans” when their family bloodline has been here for 10 generations. Listen, just because you’re black doesn’t mean you’re African. It means you have African genes, and skin color. Just because I’m white with red hair and blue eyes doesn’t mean I’m Irish or Scottish, I have Irish and Scottish genes and skin color, but you don’t seen me going around, calling myself “European-American”, do you?
The only REAL African-Americans are ones who have come to America from Africa in THIS century, and have taken citizenship in both countries.

When a friend comes over, spends then night, then doesn’t want to do ANYTHING the next day. So all you end up doing is sitting around until one of their parents comes to pick them up.

When saying “I love you” doesn’t mean shit to whomever you said it to. No matter how much you mean it.

When the only girl you like is still “In love” with their ex.

When you want to play a PC game, but the only PC you can play it on is being hogged by one of your siblings. And when they get off the computer they leave their windows open and you know they’re going to yell at you if you close them.

When you know you want to do something, but you can’t think of anything to do.

When you don’t say “I love you” again after the first time, cause you’re afraid the recipient doesn’t want to hear it.

When you stop caring about the little things, like Valentines Day, because you don’t have anybody to celebrate it with.

When Valentines Day becomes Single Awareness Day.

When you want something to eat, cause you’re hungry, but nothing in your fridge looks appetizing.

“Save the whales.” enough said.


That’s really all I have to say. When I can think of more things that grind my gears about Earth, I’ll edit this post.

Conflict

It seems as though everyone I know has some deep emotional problem.
I try to help as best I can, not knowing the consequences of being wrapped up in things.
I think I want to be, though. It’s a way to help; a way to an end that doesn’t fold out with disaster.
And a way to keep the peace and to sometimes end the things that should be ended.
But I fear that some of them will end in disaster. That nobody can be happy without the thing that should end.
I just want it all to be over, with no consequences or heartbreak.
And I know they want that as well.
I’m going through something with two of my best friends right now.
I’m not exactly caught in the middle of things because one party considers the situation to be over.
But I feel like I am because the other party wants it to be over, but won’t let it be over.
I want to help her, because I don’t want her to hurt. But all I can think to say to her is just going to make her angry with me, even though I know for a fact its right.
I don’t know what to do anymore.