Driver's permit

I’ve decided to get my Driver’s permit this month.

Wup- fuckin -pee.

Hours and hours of studying the “Washington Driver Guide” from the “Department of Hell”… I mean “Licensing”.

I’ve discovered the proper use for high beams, which, contrary to my previous belief, is NOT used to blind pedestrians and oncoming traffic. And the horn, apparently, isn’t used to scare people walking past your car in parking-lots.

All-in-all studying is going well. I’ve taken some practice tests online to prepare myself further.

I’ve discovered by typing everything out in a Word document, I can remember it easier.

I know only some of the things I’m reading in this booklet will be on the test, and they’ll focus more on “After moving to a new state, how long is the deadline for renewing your current license?” or “What can you do at a red light?” instead of questions that actually have to do with driving.

I think ONLY questions about driving should be permitted on the knowledge test.

For example:

“When is it legal to scream and yell in a traffic jam on the highway?
A.) Never
B.) On Wednesdays
C.) Only to alert proper authorities of your status as ‘Most important driver ever’ to give you leeway on
the shoulder.”

Of course, the correct answer would be C.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but pay attention to the “When you shouldn’t use your horn” section.
One of the many reasons to not use your horn is: “When approaching horses”

I guess you can’t use your horn in the presence of Horses, in the unlikely event you’re even near horses.
Then again, this is Washington after all, Washington being “The random Horse state”.

I also have a question for you readers, which I ask that you answer with a comment or message on Facebook or a direct-message on Twitter: Will my sleep apnea effect my driving during the morning/day?

I certainly hope not.

Chip (Skippy's Cousin).

Recently I’ve gotten into an “Intellectual” conversation with a moron.

Let’s call this moron: “Chip.”

Well, it was about Atheism. He is an Atheist.

Anyway, Chip’s beliefs are – And I quote—: “I do reject the claim that God exists. But I however do not make the claim that God does not exist.” (I am not making this up)

My response was as follows:

“A.) ‘I do reject the claim that God exists.’ Then you make the claim that God DOES NOT EXIST.
B.) ‘But I however do not make the claim that God does not exist.’ This is contradictory: Rejecting the claim that God exists is making the claim that God does not exist, hence: Rejecting. Rejection, by definition, is not believing something, and refusing to do so.”

He replied with (I am not making this up)

“1) I said, ‘I don't believe a god exists’. It is not the same as ‘I believe no god exists.’ The difference is that in the first statement I am simply rejecting claims for the existence of god.”

To which I said:

“1.) You're misinformed about your own beliefs, because Atheism is believing in NO GOD thus GOD DOES NOT EXIST. No wonder you talk yourself in circles, you have no idea what Atheism is other than what the name MEANS. I have never met you, thus I have no pure evidence that you exist. Others have TOLD me you exist, and I have no doubt that you do, because I trust the testimony of those who know you. Basically the same way I know Christ exists.
Just because you answer these messages, doesn't mean that it's YOU answering, it could be anybody. But because of the testimony of others who know you, I am sure you exist. I will take it by FAITH.”

And of course, he felt the need to reply:

“1) I am misinformed about my own beliefs? Wow... how is that even possible? Maybe you meant that ‘I am misinformed about what I classify myself as'. Let’s break down the meaning of the word.
Theos-God(s)
Theism-Belief in a God(s)
Theist- One who has the belief
A-without
Atheos-without God(s)
Atheism- without a belief in a God(s)
Atheist-One without the belief in a God(s)”

(Thus proving that all he knows is what the name means...)

But truly, can any man be an Atheist unless he possesses all knowledge: "Omnipotent" (Do I need to define “Omnipotent” for you, Chip?)

Basically means: He (And all Atheists) are apparently God. Since they DON'T know everything, they have to ADMIT the possibility of an all knowing God. Thus they are not "Atheist" "One without God" but "Agnostic" "One who is holy confused"

I did not send this, but...

A second consecutive message…

And a third consecutive message…

All of which I’m not even dignifying with a response at this time.

Never the less, Chip, is a moron.

But it makes you think… DOES Chip REALLY exist?

Unfortunately: Yes. I have a confirmation from my best friend (Let’s call him “Skippy”)Chip is Skippy’s own Cousin.

This is what my Dad said: “To answer the question at the end of your Column, Josh: The stupidity is there, therefore he MUST exist.”

Oh God help us. (Or as Chip would probably say:”NO God help us.”)

“A wise man would know better than to reject, outright, what he doesn’t know for sure. That is the difference between ‘Knowledge’ and ‘Wisdom’.” – Unknown.

Off-Brand, Google Android OS, Kindle-like Tablet PC review.

So here I am, sitting on my huge front porch, slowly thumbing out this new column with my mother's off-brand tablet PC.

Of course, my mother -- hogging a nice HP Pavillion-- tilts the tablet "Card board edition" and magically changes the screen to operate vertically, thus advancing my pace, twofold.

Hang on, time to unexpectedly brush my teeth...

... Okay. Now instead of my mouth tasting like Pizza and Ranch Dorito-flavored scunge, it tastes like Pizza and Ranch Dorito-flavored scunge(With mint!)

If I were a smoker, it would taste like a compilation of mint, dorito scunge and the Colonel's own original recipe --'leven heeerrbs 'n' spices-- chicken-flavored ash.

Yum, delicious cherry Capri Sun, that I'm terrified to open, because it's been in an ice less cooler, with water at the bottom, condensing for Darth Vader only knows how long.

And now I can continue --attempt-- to write, after finally figuring out how to scroll on this wretchedly confusing contraption.

Bad sign: Skimmed thumb opening the straw wrapper. Tastes("Tates" according to Word to Go's keyboard for the tech-trendy sloth.) fine, albeit warm.

My review: Spring for the actual Kindle; it's faster, less confusing, and "only" a "few" hundred more dollars.

Words

One thing I’ve noticed lately is I generally over-use the word “Generally”.

But there’s no cause for general concern; I’m generally just trying to make a general point.

Aside from… that word and it’s variations… Here’s a list of words I tend to over use:

The.
But.
No.
Yes.
I’m.
F**k.
I’ve.
One.
To.
Too.
I.
Love.
You.
Cheeseburgers.
Yes.
I’d.
Like.
New.
Carburetors.
For.
My.
Breasts.

Poor Fred...

This pisses me off.

My best friend –let’s call him “Fred”— got strung along, until the bitch was found out.

Apparently for a while she kept saying that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Well anyway:
Apparently he saw her at Hoopfest with a bunch of people, and this guy standing next to her had his hand on her back, and kept sliding it down, down and down until he said he had to leave.

Then on the fourth, at Riverfront, him and another friend of ours were going to watch fireworks (Let’s call him, Coffee) Well, Coffee and Fred got separated and Coffee saw Fred’s girl MAKING OUT with the asshand guy!

WHAT THE HELL!?

So he’s freaking out. Eventually ends up ditched by the people he was with (Coffee and the mysterious friend with commodities of the relaxing kind) before the fireworks start. And he spots one of the guys from Bitchgirl’s group.

So, naturally, Fred goes to talk to him. Eventually they end up on the subject of Bitchgirl, and Fred drops the news about her make-out session with Asshand guy. He freaked out and apparently said: “She told me she was gonna make out with ME for my birthday!”

So now we must call Bitchgirl, “Brazenhobag”.

So apparently Fred and Brazenhobag are gonna be friends, except Fred doesn’t WANT to be her friend anymore.

Well, Brazenhobag is old news now, anyway; Fred has a date for “Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday”! With a really cute gymnast I’m suddenly going to call “Wonder Woman”

So I hope Brazenhobag is happy with her probable thirteen boyfriends.

Pal.

Unexpected developments: I made a friend! OHMYGOD! *Parade, streamers, confetti, floats, beer, drunks, fights, police*

So after I posted bail for throwing an illegal parade— you know, the type of illegal parade that’s illegal because you said: “Screw the permits! This is advancement in EVOLUTION!”—I typed out this column about my new friend.

None of that, except making the friend, really happened. I did type out this post, because I’m not a robot, or a zombie or rich enough to pay people to type this post out FOR me.

Let’s call her “Pal”

Pal enjoys the following:
Horses.
Pasta.
Art.
Vintage motorcycles.
Driving stick.
Just driving.
Pasta.
Not being intoxicated in any way, shape or form.
Saying “Intoxicated” in Pig-Latin.
Using the terms “Fool” and “Supafreek”
Cutting rubber bands out of dreadlocks.
Not having a pot-bellied—or any kind of—pig.
Pasta. Did I say “Pasta” already?

There’s a lot more, but I don’t want to over-run this post.
Pal (Who is actually named “Bonnie”) is very interesting. VERY very interesting. Which is the best type of interesting.

I’m happy that I made an interesting friend… on Facebook…

Horoscope for Libby Logan(Sign unknown)

Today you feel like being a complete utter bitch to someone you don’t even know.
Though you lack the capacity to use proper grammar or even spell correctly, you go about your endeavor as inevitably as a sparkplug driving a piston.
You set out to complete the task given to you by whatever personality your schizophrenia has enthroned as your own personal God and succeed in making the not-so-random person of your choice feel absolutely terrible.
Watch your back dear (Zodiac sign), for one day you may find a knife in it, as you have put knives in the backs of others. One day, you will get your just deserts.