Listening to my heartbeat.

I become randomly active for a short but rapid time, and I deliberately try to run out of breath, just to listen to my heartbeat, to make sure I'm still alive.

Not too long ago something amazing happened for my brother from another mother, David--The one who loses trouser buttons and wears runner's tights--.

And when something like that happens for one of my friends I get excited for them, and I want them to have everything I never was able to.

Some of them get annoyed when I do that, because they think I shouldn't be, because it's not happening to me. I'm just happy for them is all. I was really never able to have that one something because of my predicament. Even though it's basically what I've always dreamed.

I had one something, that didn't end well. And quite frankly at my age and level of experience in this I don't think I can handle another, a newer and a better something, because I've never really had one before. I'd be incredibly awkward and I'd be the worst ever. So I basically believe I'm doomed to be something-less forever.

Maybe it won't be so bad.